Ian and I haven't really celebrated Valentine's Day the last couple years. I am usually down for any kind of celebration, and I remember wondering a few years ago why someone wouldn't want to celebrate Valentine's Day. I didn't want to become an old, married, unromantic couple. However, since we've had kids, things have changed. Valentine's Day just seems... unnecessary. A stereotypical Valentine's Day has little to do with the way our love has deepened.
Now, Valentine's Day IS special for us because it's an anniversary. It was Valentine's Day nine years ago when Ian left a single red rose and a Valentine's Day card (unsigned) on my car windshield. I discovered the gifts when I went outside to my parents' driveway to leave for sociolinguistics class. There were, in my mind, two guys who might have left the rose for me, and Ian was one. I really hoped it was him. I really hoped it wasn't the other guy.
Even though he was part of the group that had dinner later at In-N-Out and then went to see Hitch at the theater, I was afraid to ask him about it and be disappointed, so I didn't find out who it was for a few days. However, that was the start of being more than just friends, so Valentine's Day is special to me in that way. That memory lights up my soul. But last year, I was the one who suggested not celebrating in the traditional ways, because at this stage of our relationship, cards, flowers, chocolates, jewelry, or other gifts on a specific date of the year are not the primary ways that I feel love from him.
Nowadays, I know he loves me because he works sixty hours a week to support our family.
Nowadays, the four dollars I spend on a mocha when he stays home with the girls to give me time alone at the coffee shop means more than four dollars for a fancy card (although I do love the sweet things he writes on cards).
Nowadays, I'd rather he buy organic berries for our daughters than a box of chocolates for me.
Nowadays, I'd rather have a date night with him than jewelry or other gifts. I'd rather sit on our living room floor after the girls go to bed, eating cheese and drinking wine, than get earrings or necklaces or bracelets.
Nowadays, he says "I love you" by straightening up the house rather than by bringing home flowers, even though after working those sixty hours, the flowers would be a lot easier.
Our culture's view of romance promotes the idea that if you love someone, you will spend a lot of money on them and do out-of-the-ordinary things for them (and little special things aren't enough; the grander the romantic gesture, the more romantic it's thought to be). Many brag about husbands who bring home flowers every month, while not many brag about a husband who washes the dishes every evening. And I guess last year, we just decided that the time and money spent on a traditional Valentine's Day celebration wouldn't make either of us feel more loved.
I'm not saying there's necessarily anything wrong with celebrating a relationship according to stereotypical Valentine's rituals. Ian is surprisingly romantic, and I do appreciate that he brings me roses occasionally and gives me free jewelry that he gets from the store where he bought my engagement ring. (That may sound unromantic, but if you know how cheap I am, you know there's nothing I like more than a nice gift he didn't spend money on.) But all in all, the sacrifices he makes and his everyday love and patience mean more than Valentine's Day gifts.
He did give me a card this year, which was a total surprise (and definitely welcome). Maybe someday we'll go back to our traditional celebrations, but for now, I'm actually very content being that old, married, "unromantic" couple that doesn't celebrate, because nowadays, I've got a different view of romance.
