Having a Baby (the Second Time Around)

A little over two months ago, little baby Kaitlyn was born. Having our second daughter was very different for me from when the first was born (in a good way), and I wanted to share my experience....

The second time around, the wonder of holding your baby for the first time is greater, because not only are you thrilled by the present, but you also have tasted the joy of some of the wonderful moments to come. You know that even in difficult or painful moments, it will be worth it for this little human.

The second time around, you know that you CAN get your baby dressed without breaking her, even with that wobbly little head and the iron grip needed to stretch out her arms and legs.

The second time around, instead of staying awake the entire first night because you are convinced your baby will stop breathing if you dare to not be conscious of her for even a second, you remember that her next breath comes from God, not from your willpower and attention. You even take baby into your hospital bed with you and let her sleep in the crook of your arm (in spite of all the warnings you've heard against the hazards of co-sleeping), because you know that both of you will sleep better together.

The second time around, when you get home from the hospital and break down in a tearful panic, thinking to yourself, "Who keeps letting me come home with tiny helpless people?" you don't succumb fully to the terror, because you know that you are exhausted and hormonal and that things will probably be okay.

The second time around, you let yourself sleep when the baby sleeps, even though you're not getting anything done. After all, last time the world didn't stop when you slept and didn't wash any dishes, and your husband or mom is watching the toddler. Sanity is more important than accomplishment!

The second time around, you are not shocked at the amount of exhaustion you feel or surprised by the lack of sleep. You are simply exhausted, but it's okay because you know that A), you'll get used to functioning even while tired and B), someday you'll get to sleep again.

The second time around, you have to make more of an effort to treasure all the time spent holding your baby, because your toddler also needs your love and attention. But you make that effort, even when it means sacrificing your own time, because in three months you will look at your sweet chubby baby and wonder, "Where did my newborn go?"

This Will Not Last

Alexandra and I spend so much time together that there are moments when it feels like being toddler mommy to her is all I will ever do. Sometimes this feeling comes with delight, and other times it comes with despair. But there were a few times this week when the impermanence of my current reality struck me.

1) Alexandra was outgrowing her toddler shoes, so we got a new pair. These new shoes are so noticeably bigger than her first pair of "real" shoes that I can't help but be astounded at how much she's grown in such a short period of time. When I look at those new shoes, I realize that change and growth are an inevitable part of my life with her. Physically she is quite different from six months ago, and incredibly different from a year ago, and these changes will keep happening. She is not going to be my little girl forever.

2) I also notice changes as she becomes more expressive of her personality and desires. When she was younger, happiness was wherever Mommy was. This week, she got to spend several hours with each set of grandparents, and at the end of those times, the announcement that we were leaving their houses caused brief tears. She recovered fairly quickly, but it's a simple reminder that this stage of life is so impermanent. Right now she occasionally prefers the fun and undivided attention she gets at her grandparents' houses to cuddling with mommy (something that was unthinkable only a few months ago!). Later on, she will sometimes prefer toys, hobbies, and friends to me; mostly likely she will one day move out and start her own life, maybe getting married and forming a new family.

I can't know what the future holds for our family, but if all goes well, if all goes as we usually expect life to go, then this time of being mommy to some very dependent human beings will be over before I know it. I am so glad when God reminds me of the brevity of this stage.

It reminds me to really enjoy this time, because someday I will miss it.

Justice, the Kingdom, a Toddler, and What Could Have Been a Bad Day

One day last week, I was exhausted. The night before we had Bible study, so we were up later than normal, and since Alexandra was at childcare, she was up quite a bit later than normal. She's been waking up at 6:30 every morning, but I assumed that since she went to bed late, she would sleep in a little.

But that didn't happen. A little before 6:30, I heard her start calling: "Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?"

Now, I've never been a morning person. No matter what time I wake up, it takes me a little bit (and usually some coffee and shower) before I feel ready to face the day or talk to anyone else. Most days Ian takes her downstairs and plays with her for a bit so I can read my Bible and write in my journal, two things that help me prepare for the day mentally and spiritually. But that day he had to leave really early and work late, so I knew that most of the day, it would be just me and Alexandra.

She wakes up full of gusto and energy, so even though I brought her into my bed, we didn't snuggle and doze together like in her pre-toddler days. She wiggled, jumped, kicked, and talked nonstop in one-word sentences about everything she did the day before and everything she wanted to do that day.

I made coffee and took a shower, but it didn't help. I still felt exhausted, and on top of that, grumpy and sulky and heavily pregnant (pun intended). The stretch of four or five hours until she (and I) would take a nap seemed like an eternity of doing little, unimportant things that I could not face.

However, our pastor has been preaching on the kingdom of God at church, and you can sign up for text messages that send reminders, verses, and mini-devotionals every couple of days. Of course I would like to live out the kingdom of God here on earth. I like to picture myself as a defender of the weak, voice of the voiceless, fighter for justice, generous giver, loving toward all mankind, etc. After I got out of the shower and tried to think of ways to survive until nap time, the last thing on my mind was how I could cheerfully serve and mentally engage with my toddler by doing the menial tasks of a stay-at-home wife and mom.

And then I got the text, which said, "In the Kingdom, the least find justice. How can you care for the least today? How does that change your thinking?"

That text, especially the second question, changed everything. Often, because Alexandra is so young and the things I do for her feel menial and repetitive, her demands and problems so simple, that I feel like I'm not accomplishing much. I love her, but I don't love all the things that I have to do to care for her and our home. But the idea of caring for the least implies doing even simple things, because it is those basic things that "the least" can't do for themselves. I recently read an article by Tim Keller in which he talked about the idea of Biblical justice simply as giving equitably to everyone in society, including the least powerful and most vulnerable, their due, "whether punishment or protection or care."

In God's eyes, everyone and their needs are equally important, and if your calling for the day is to provide for one person's simple needs, in God's value system, that is every bit as important as the person whose calling for the day might be doing tasks that seem more important, or who is serving several people instead of just one.

I realized that my tasks for that morning didn't have to be menial, and I was able to repent of my bad attitude and selfish focus. Staying at home with one baby girl was a chance to live out the Kingdom of God on earth. I could care for her and offer justice by providing for her the needs that she could not provide for herself.

(Click here to read "What Is Biblical Justice?" by Tim Keller.)

Potty Training...

The plan was to attempt to potty-train Alexandra after Christmas. I had no idea how successful she would be, because she is only nineteen months old. But she showed some signs of being ready, such as being very aware of her bodily functions and telling me while or after they were happening. I wasn't sure if she would be ready for the next step of anticipating them, but I figured that we could try and if she wasn't ready, we'd put it on hold for a few months. On the plus side, if she did get potty-trained, even just daytime potty-trained, that would mean fewer diapers, a real bonus when you think about her little sister arriving in just two months.

I made a plan, involving lots of praise, maybe some M&Ms, and trips to the potty every half-hour or so. I also prepared myself mentally for the fact that she might be too young. I would put in a lot of effort, but if she wasn't ready I would be fine and not frustrated, I told myself.

However, once Christmas was over, I found I kept putting it off. At first, I would just forget. Half-hours go by so fast when you have a toddler! When I would remember, it would be immediately before lunchtime. That was no good, because a hungry toddler can be cranky and desperate, and so can a hungry pregnant woman. Or it would be immediately before her (or these days, our) nap time, also a desperate time for a pregnant woman.

I thought it would be best to start potty-training when I would have several days in a row where I could be at home so it wouldn't be inconsistent. But we wanted to take advantage of end-of-the-year sales and Ian's time off to do some shopping for Alexandra's new "big-girl" bedroom. So even when I started remembering that I wanted to potty-train her, I really didn't want to have to rush Alexandra into public restrooms every half-hour.

And then, there was just the matter of being tired. After December (end of the semester, finals, grading, Christmas, New Year's, etc.) I was exhausted. There were times when I just couldn't bear the thought of going upstairs, as I hadn't set up her potty seat downstairs yet. Ian had a week off between Christmas and New Year's, and I discovered that what I really wanted to do was rest, or do fun things while we were at home as a family. In my mind, nothing that involves being on a strict time schedule is fun.

And I began to realize that even if she was ready to be potty-trained, I wasn't ready to potty-train her. I think for something like potty-training to work, especially this early, you've got to be on top of things. You've got to be dedicated and stick to it no matter how you're feeling, even if it's right before lunchtime or nap time. But I was so tired I couldn't even stand the thought of climbing the stairs to take her to her potty chair.

So... I gave up on the thought that I was going to potty-train my daughter in the first few weeks of January. And I was okay with it. Now that the hectic-ness of the holidays is over and we're getting back into a routine, we may try to potty-train her before KPB (her little sister) is born. But this time, I will take into consideration whether or not we're BOTH ready.

Things for Which I Am Grateful Today

Lately, as in the past three months while I've been teaching, life has felt hectic and stressful most of the time. (Hence the lack of blogging.) Even on weekends, I tend to feel an overwhelming sense of what needs to be accomplished that I am not currently accomplishing, and a sense of despair when I feel too tired to attempt accomplishing it.

That's why today felt like a real gift from God. I don't know why sometimes I feel extra grateful for what I have, when I know that I am blessed all the time. There are days when you have to fight so hard for an attitude of contentment and a grateful heart, and other days when that spirit just seems to envelope your mind all on its own. Today I was especially grateful for everything I got to experience:

My sweet little girl

So much rain! (If you don't live in the desert, you might not realize just how rare this is.)

A Christmas-y front room

The people who live with me in this house 

Christmas flowers from my husband

A gingerbread house kit (another surprise from my husband)...

...and someone to build it with!

My toddler's "smiley face"...

...and her "kissy face."

Also, I am grateful for the book of Galatians, which is not pictured here because I've been reading Martin Luther's Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians on my Kindle, and a picture of a Kindle would be boring. As long as I can remember, I've struggled with the idea that I should try to earn my salvation or at least, to a certain extent, try to repay God. Grace is a foreign concept to my heart. So earlier this year I decided to read Galatians over and over and study it until I got it. And the more I study it, the more this knowledge that God saved me out of love all on His own, without any help from me, is slowly sinking in. It's wonderful. It makes me more grateful for Christ, and also more grateful for all the gifts He gives me.