Justice, the Kingdom, a Toddler, and What Could Have Been a Bad Day

One day last week, I was exhausted. The night before we had Bible study, so we were up later than normal, and since Alexandra was at childcare, she was up quite a bit later than normal. She's been waking up at 6:30 every morning, but I assumed that since she went to bed late, she would sleep in a little.

But that didn't happen. A little before 6:30, I heard her start calling: "Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?"

Now, I've never been a morning person. No matter what time I wake up, it takes me a little bit (and usually some coffee and shower) before I feel ready to face the day or talk to anyone else. Most days Ian takes her downstairs and plays with her for a bit so I can read my Bible and write in my journal, two things that help me prepare for the day mentally and spiritually. But that day he had to leave really early and work late, so I knew that most of the day, it would be just me and Alexandra.

She wakes up full of gusto and energy, so even though I brought her into my bed, we didn't snuggle and doze together like in her pre-toddler days. She wiggled, jumped, kicked, and talked nonstop in one-word sentences about everything she did the day before and everything she wanted to do that day.

I made coffee and took a shower, but it didn't help. I still felt exhausted, and on top of that, grumpy and sulky and heavily pregnant (pun intended). The stretch of four or five hours until she (and I) would take a nap seemed like an eternity of doing little, unimportant things that I could not face.

However, our pastor has been preaching on the kingdom of God at church, and you can sign up for text messages that send reminders, verses, and mini-devotionals every couple of days. Of course I would like to live out the kingdom of God here on earth. I like to picture myself as a defender of the weak, voice of the voiceless, fighter for justice, generous giver, loving toward all mankind, etc. After I got out of the shower and tried to think of ways to survive until nap time, the last thing on my mind was how I could cheerfully serve and mentally engage with my toddler by doing the menial tasks of a stay-at-home wife and mom.

And then I got the text, which said, "In the Kingdom, the least find justice. How can you care for the least today? How does that change your thinking?"

That text, especially the second question, changed everything. Often, because Alexandra is so young and the things I do for her feel menial and repetitive, her demands and problems so simple, that I feel like I'm not accomplishing much. I love her, but I don't love all the things that I have to do to care for her and our home. But the idea of caring for the least implies doing even simple things, because it is those basic things that "the least" can't do for themselves. I recently read an article by Tim Keller in which he talked about the idea of Biblical justice simply as giving equitably to everyone in society, including the least powerful and most vulnerable, their due, "whether punishment or protection or care."

In God's eyes, everyone and their needs are equally important, and if your calling for the day is to provide for one person's simple needs, in God's value system, that is every bit as important as the person whose calling for the day might be doing tasks that seem more important, or who is serving several people instead of just one.

I realized that my tasks for that morning didn't have to be menial, and I was able to repent of my bad attitude and selfish focus. Staying at home with one baby girl was a chance to live out the Kingdom of God on earth. I could care for her and offer justice by providing for her the needs that she could not provide for herself.

(Click here to read "What Is Biblical Justice?" by Tim Keller.)

Potty Training...

The plan was to attempt to potty-train Alexandra after Christmas. I had no idea how successful she would be, because she is only nineteen months old. But she showed some signs of being ready, such as being very aware of her bodily functions and telling me while or after they were happening. I wasn't sure if she would be ready for the next step of anticipating them, but I figured that we could try and if she wasn't ready, we'd put it on hold for a few months. On the plus side, if she did get potty-trained, even just daytime potty-trained, that would mean fewer diapers, a real bonus when you think about her little sister arriving in just two months.

I made a plan, involving lots of praise, maybe some M&Ms, and trips to the potty every half-hour or so. I also prepared myself mentally for the fact that she might be too young. I would put in a lot of effort, but if she wasn't ready I would be fine and not frustrated, I told myself.

However, once Christmas was over, I found I kept putting it off. At first, I would just forget. Half-hours go by so fast when you have a toddler! When I would remember, it would be immediately before lunchtime. That was no good, because a hungry toddler can be cranky and desperate, and so can a hungry pregnant woman. Or it would be immediately before her (or these days, our) nap time, also a desperate time for a pregnant woman.

I thought it would be best to start potty-training when I would have several days in a row where I could be at home so it wouldn't be inconsistent. But we wanted to take advantage of end-of-the-year sales and Ian's time off to do some shopping for Alexandra's new "big-girl" bedroom. So even when I started remembering that I wanted to potty-train her, I really didn't want to have to rush Alexandra into public restrooms every half-hour.

And then, there was just the matter of being tired. After December (end of the semester, finals, grading, Christmas, New Year's, etc.) I was exhausted. There were times when I just couldn't bear the thought of going upstairs, as I hadn't set up her potty seat downstairs yet. Ian had a week off between Christmas and New Year's, and I discovered that what I really wanted to do was rest, or do fun things while we were at home as a family. In my mind, nothing that involves being on a strict time schedule is fun.

And I began to realize that even if she was ready to be potty-trained, I wasn't ready to potty-train her. I think for something like potty-training to work, especially this early, you've got to be on top of things. You've got to be dedicated and stick to it no matter how you're feeling, even if it's right before lunchtime or nap time. But I was so tired I couldn't even stand the thought of climbing the stairs to take her to her potty chair.

So... I gave up on the thought that I was going to potty-train my daughter in the first few weeks of January. And I was okay with it. Now that the hectic-ness of the holidays is over and we're getting back into a routine, we may try to potty-train her before KPB (her little sister) is born. But this time, I will take into consideration whether or not we're BOTH ready.

Things for Which I Am Grateful Today

Lately, as in the past three months while I've been teaching, life has felt hectic and stressful most of the time. (Hence the lack of blogging.) Even on weekends, I tend to feel an overwhelming sense of what needs to be accomplished that I am not currently accomplishing, and a sense of despair when I feel too tired to attempt accomplishing it.

That's why today felt like a real gift from God. I don't know why sometimes I feel extra grateful for what I have, when I know that I am blessed all the time. There are days when you have to fight so hard for an attitude of contentment and a grateful heart, and other days when that spirit just seems to envelope your mind all on its own. Today I was especially grateful for everything I got to experience:

My sweet little girl

So much rain! (If you don't live in the desert, you might not realize just how rare this is.)

A Christmas-y front room

The people who live with me in this house 

Christmas flowers from my husband

A gingerbread house kit (another surprise from my husband)...

...and someone to build it with!

My toddler's "smiley face"...

...and her "kissy face."

Also, I am grateful for the book of Galatians, which is not pictured here because I've been reading Martin Luther's Commentary on the Epistle to the Galatians on my Kindle, and a picture of a Kindle would be boring. As long as I can remember, I've struggled with the idea that I should try to earn my salvation or at least, to a certain extent, try to repay God. Grace is a foreign concept to my heart. So earlier this year I decided to read Galatians over and over and study it until I got it. And the more I study it, the more this knowledge that God saved me out of love all on His own, without any help from me, is slowly sinking in. It's wonderful. It makes me more grateful for Christ, and also more grateful for all the gifts He gives me.

How Are You Feeling?

Since this is the most common question I receive as a pregnant woman, I decided to answer it here, all at once. Here's how I'm feeling.

Hungry. I am hungry ALL the time.

Excited. The idea of having another baby makes me very happy.

Nervous. Can I really handle two kids? I comfort myself with the thought of all the other people I know who have done it.

TiredFatigued. Tired is not a strong enough word for how I feel most of the time. I can sleep eight hours at night, take two naps during the day, and still have no trouble going to sleep the next night. I felt frustrated by this until I read that during week seven of pregnancy, my body was generating 100 brains cells for baby every minute. Well, no wonder I'm tired!

Nauseated, but just slightly. Luckily, for the most part my nausea has neither been as strong nor consistent as it was with Alexandra. Again, I have an extreme aversion to vegetables. My earlier cravings consisted of dairy and sugar, and now include red meat as well. But they're not just cravings... I can't eat anything else without feeling sick. Early on I thought I could fight the aversions and force some salads down my throat. When those made me feel worse, I gave up, and am enjoying all the grilled cheese sandwiches, quesadillas, beef, and chocolate cereal I want.

Spacey. I am spacey. Pregnancy makes it worse, so I am more forgetful, more easily distracted, less observant, and less organized than before. Thank goodness I have an understanding family.

Emotional. I can be elated, sink into depression, rise out of it in a fury, and cry through the whole thing, all within a space of fifteen minutes. Luckily, being easily distracted keeps me from wallowing in any negative emotion for too long.

The Gift that Nobody Wants

I've been thinking a lot about pain (again- see "Art Night and Pain," Part 1 and Part 2). I began reading Where Is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey, simply because he is one of my favorite authors.

I haven't finished the book or sorted out all my thoughts yet. But the first part of the book deals with pain from a physiological standpoint, and the idea I've found most fascinating is that without physical pain, most humans are most likely to choose a path of physical self-destruction. As someone with a low pain threshold who hates any kind of physical discomfort whatsoever, I found myself actually feeling grateful for pain.

Yancey writes about Dr. Paul Brand, who worked with those who have Hansen's Disease (leprosy). Contrary to a long-held belief, most leprosy patients do not lose body parts due to a primary effect of the disease; rather, the nerve damage inflicted makes it impossible for its victims to feel any pain. Without pain, they are unable to know when they are engaging in an activity that is damaging their body.

Anyway, Dr. Brand's and Yancey's eventual opinion on pain can be seen in the title of a book they co-authored: Pain: The Gift that Nobody Wants. Pain is part of our body's natural system of defenses; it helps us know when to stop, rest, or change something about what we're doing. When people don't experience pain, they harm themselves. Dr. Brand worked for a time on developing a device for leprosy patients that would alert them when they were harming themselves. However, the first versions were ineffective, because patients were warned by a noise or a blinking light, which was easy to ignore and would lead some to simply turn off the device. The most effective version was one that sent a small painful shock to the armpit, one area that was still sensitive.

What stood out to me is that humans can have a lot of head knowledge that has no effect on behavior. Yancey offered one example of a salesman who had worn his feet away to stumps because he kept wearing dress shoes that were bad for his feet. Most people would have found the pain intolerable and bought new shoes or worn the orthopedic shoes recommended by their physician. Since this patient could not experience pain, his desire to look nice for his job and avoid any suspicion of his disease outweighed the damage he was doing his feet.

At first I felt astounded that someone could see such severe damage, yet choose to continue the behavior that led to it. Yet how many times have I done similar things? As a mild example, I know that drinking an entire soda at once gives me a sugar crash, yet I'll still drink entire sodas occasionally. It seems like unless pain is immediate and fierce, our cravings and psychological needs overpower our head knowledge about good, bad, and destruction.

I need to note that Yancey does go on to address the bad side of pain in our fallen world. Cancer's pain may alert its victim to its presence, but the pain doesn't stop once the patient knows what is going on. And in that case, the treatments curing the disease may bring as much pain as the disease itself. So no one is going to read about Dr. Brand and say "Hooray for pain, in every way!" And what do we do when pain, physical or psychological, is inflicted unjustly as a result of someone else's sin, or even just a simple mistake?

Yet I think it is fascinating to begin thinking about pain with the idea that for most people with bodies that are functioning well, pain is actually a gift, like a gate that keeps us from driving off the cliff when we really wanted to go down that road.