The Reality of the Unpredictable Life

Last year, my husband lost his job. I wasn't scared that anything really bad would happen to us; we are thankful to have loving family close by, so there was never any danger of us living on the streets or our girls going hungry or anything like that.

But it was still hard, and for me, the hardest thing was feeling like life was floating aimlessly. I like to have goals and plans. I like Next Steps. I like to know the main things that are going to happen tomorrow and next week. But for the first time in a long time, I felt like my life was disconnected and lost. We were a tiny adrift-at-sea family, seeing possible landing places off in the distance here and there, but not knowing where we could end up.

We had so many questions: Where would he find a job? Would we need to move to reduce our expenses, and how soon, and to what type of housing? Should we move in with our parents in case our lack of income turned from short-term to long-term? Should I work, and should it be full-time or part-time? Where should we go to church?

These basic, practical questions entailed other questions and decisions that might have to be made at some point, but that we were not able to make at the time. Some of these were of a more philosophical nature. If we lived with our parents, how disruptive would that be to their privacy and ours? When was it going to be time to consider looking for a job out of state? What does it mean to be part of a church? How does the purpose of the Church work itself out in our culture? Are we a family that could flourish if the wife works full-time while the husband stays home with the kids? What, overall, should we be doing with our lives?

Everything felt completely unstable. It was impossible to anticipate the future more than one day ahead of time, because we had no way of knowing what the future would hold. For someone like me, who spends all day anticipating near and far-off future events, having to take things one day at a time was torture. I like to plan things based on long-term schedules. But nothing could be planned long-term, because everything that usually makes me feel stable was up in the air. Every day was looking, connecting, contacting, applying, waiting.

As I pondered things, I realized that in some ways, I was living closer to Reality than ever before.

We NEVER know what the future will hold. Yes, sometimes change slows down for a bit. Our lives seem to be going a particular direction. We anticipate upcoming events that actually happen. We are confident in our assumptions and our plans are realized. We get comfortable believing that we can control and thus predict our future.

It's astounding, almost dizzying to me, to stop and meditate on the reality that life in this world is never as stable as we think. Without warning, you lose someone; plans are canceled or flipped upside down; something happens that makes you question beliefs that you always held certain. You're forced to re-evaluate your assumptions and find your security elsewhere. Your tomorrow is not any more certain when you're planning and acting than when you're applying and waiting.

The security that comes from seemingly stable circumstances is an illusion. To a certain extent, we can control some aspects of our life. But our control is never ultimate. And for me, living in a reality where all the things beyond my control were so obvious, so present, so everyday, left me feeling helpless and frustrated and, because I didn't have a metaphorical hold on anything... scared.

I wish I could say that I got to a point where I was okay with it, where I accepted that God's love for me was the ONLY thing I could count on, ever, and learned to be content in it. I definitely came to a point where I accepted it mentally. But letting my heart rest in it was a different story. It was a struggle every day. And now, my husband and I find ourselves in a similar place, where we are having to make decisions for our family, and yet there are many factors beyond our control. And once again, I'm reminded that the only thing I can count on being the same tomorrow is God's love for me. Though I still feel restless, it's not quite as bad as it was last summer. I can remind myself of how He will always love me and never leave me, and how I've always had everything I needed from Him, and that helps the truth of my real Source of security sink into my heart a little bit more.

And even this, I think, is an evidence of God's grace and love for me. When a truth is difficult to accept all at once, He often gives me reprieve, bringing it back into my consciousness over and over, in a circular way, guiding me gently to rest in Him.

Taking it one day at a time and not holding on too tightly to your plans, trusting that God is in control, living out the steps that He has already given you (even if for a time that step is simply, "Wait"), is all you can do, whether or not your housing/job/family or any other situation seems secure. Nothing is predictable; we are in no way guaranteed control, happiness, stability, security, or anything else in this world. The only thing we are guaranteed is that if we trust in Him, He will be with us, and He will be enough.